16 Funny Things Only My Kids Would Say

When you live in a farmhouse of boys, life’s never short on OMG moments.

by Kristy Rammel
16 Funny Things Only My Boys Would Say - Photo by Kristy Rammel (HobbyFarms.com)
Photo by Kristy Rammel

In this media-driven era, our brains are constantly bombarded with information. We actively search for factoids in books and on the Internet. We are surrounded by white noise from televisions, radios, telephones and other tech gadgets. With so much being thrown at me at any given time, I feel like I could create an Olympic event: data dodging. It would feature athletically challenged men and women performing extraordinary feats; zipping, jumping, hurdling, maybe even some martial arts thrown in, all in an effort to avoid or destroy the constant stream of words being shot at them. (If you’ve ever seen the Matrix, think Neo under gunfire!)

Today, feeling especially drained and weighed down with excess information and stimuli, I thought we could use a little break. Let’s take a few minutes for some chuckles as I share a few OMG moments from life with boys. While I have taken great strides to sensor what I could, please remember I have all boys, and, well, what can I say?

  1. Me: “Jack, what are boy chickens called?”
    Jack: “Steve!”
    Me: “Roosters! Our rooster’s name is Steve! So where do baby chicks come from? A momma’s belly or an egg?”
    Jack: “Neither! They come from a chicken’s BUTT!”
    16 Funny Things Only My Boys Would Say - Photo by Kristy Rammel (HobbyFarms.com)
    Photo by Kristy Rammel
  2. Me: “Jack, go get the eggs.”
    Jack: “I can’t; there’s like seven of them!” (Anything more than three is “like seven.”)
    Me: “You can do it. Just carry what you can.”
    Jack: “Are you stupid or something? I don’t have seven hands—I only have two!”
  3. Spencer, as a toddler, after discovering the differences between boys and girls:
    Spencer: “So, Momma, you don’t have a pee-pee?”
    Me: “No.”
    Spencer: “Hmmm. I know, you can get one from Walmart. They have everything!”
  4. Me: “Simon says make a cat sound.”
    Jack: [Complete look of confusion.]
    Me: “You know this. What does a cat say?”
    Jack (very seriously): “Nothin’! Cats don’t talk!”
  5. Jack and the cat were playing “catch the cat tail.” (Actually Jack was the one playing, and the cat was just reacting.) After several unsuccessful attempts at capture, Jack takes a can of soup and is about to secure the tail with it when I stop him.
    Me: “Jack, do not do that!”
    Jack: “Oh, you saw that?”
    16 Funny Things Only My Boys Would Say - Photo by Kristy Rammel (HobbyFarms.com)
    Photo by Kristy Rammel
  6. Spencer approaches me with the vacuum. Very causally, he asks, “I found this in the shower. Do you want me to put it back when I’m done?”
  7. With the bathroom door wide open in an effort to still watch TV, I walk in on Aaron leaning over a tricycle as he is peeing. He flushes, steps over the bike and proceeds to walk out.
    Me: “Uh, no. First you didn’t wash your hands. Second, why is there a bike in the bathroom? And third, why are you leaving it there.”
    Aaron (returning to wash his hands): “Oh Mom, I thought you had put it there. You get mad when we re-arrange your stuff!”
  8. One night I overhear Jacob in the kitchen harassing Jack.
    Me: “Jacob, stop!”
    Jacob: “What?”
    Me: “Don’t what me! Say, ‘Sorry, Mom, for harassing Jack.’”
    Jacob (in a desperate air of surrender): “Huh? What … (sigh) … what should I say here, Mom, to make you not mad at me?”
  9. Jacob: “Bubba, what’s a thrall?”
    Spencer: “It’s a maid or servant from the Medieval times. They’d follow you around picking up after you and carrying your gear.”
    Jacob: “Oh, so Mom’s our thrall?”
  10. While sorting and breaking down boxes after Christmas one year:
    Me: “Jacob, please don’t let the baby eat Styrofoam peanuts! He could choke!”
    Jacob: “Well, duh, Mom! He’s not—he’s eating his boogers!”
  11. Shawn: “What is Jack doing?”
    Me: “Eating peanut butter on a drumstick.”
    Shawn: “How old is the drumstick?”
    Me: “No dear, an actual drumstick. We haven’t had chicken for weeks.”
    Shawn: “You’d think I’d learn to just stop asking.”
  12. Jacob: “Mom, what’s for breakfast?”
    Me: “Uh, the eggs I fixed you at 8 o’clock this morning.”
    Jacob: “Oh. (Sigh.) I thought that was just an appetizer.”
    16 Funny Things Only My Boys Would Say - Photo by Kristy Rammel (HobbyFarms.com)
    Photo by Kristy Rammel
  13. Easter morning, Jack comes up to us with his basket overflowing with eggs.
    Me: “Wow! Where did you get all those eggs?”
    Jack: “Jacob’s basket!”
  14. During my first cup of coffee one morning, hubby and I were discussing how housebreaking a new puppy had become easier when the kids returned to school. We attributed it to fewer distractions. As I grabbed said cup of coffee and proceeded to our bedroom to start getting dressed, I holler over my shoulder, “Don’t jinx it, though.” Then I walk in on my toddler peeing on my carpet. I could actually hear the universe mocking me.
  15. My mother was having a serious conversation with the boys about the true meaning of Christmas.
    Mom: “OK, now who can tell me what the baby Jesus was wrapped in when he was put in the manger?”
    Jacob: “I know, I know! Bubble wrap!”
    (I may have done a lot of internet shopping that year.)
  16. Finally, this 16-year-old OMG moment will forever follow my oldest son Spencer: One day, my husband and then 2-year-old Spencer stood outside a department store waiting for me to check out. Spencer was entertaining himself by swinging on the rails with his best friend Woody, a pull string doll from the Toy Story movie. After Woody had a few turns, Spencer tucked him into the safety of his overalls—a place all boys keep their treasures! Suddenly a woman comes bursting through the door and heads to the parking lot, to which my husband’s son hollers after her: “Hey lady! I gotta woody in my oberalls!” I emerge moments later to find my husband in hysterics, unable to breathe, and an angry looking lady yelling obscenities about our parenting skills!
16 Funny Things Only My Boys Would Say - Photo by Kristy Rammel (HobbyFarms.com)
Photo by Kristy Rammel

In the 18 years we have been parents, we have had many humiliating, hysterical, and truly OMG moments! We have removed peas from noses, found Legos in diapers, washed lipstick off the cat, been pooped on, peed on, drawn and puked on. We can tell you every toddler hideout from the cabinets to the dryer. We know how many times you need to run a dishwasher to get the urine smell out and how long it takes from the moment your toddler poops on the porch to the moment the dog finds it and eats it. I am that mother you pass in the store with a child dressed in his super hero costume in mid-March, and chances are I was having one of those days and it wasn’t worth the fight! And while we might not have enjoyed every moment as they happened, I can honestly say, looking back, it’s amazing any of us ever survived!

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